I was going to vlog this, but then eczema decided to visit my face thus I have put away the camera for the time being.
If you’ve been keeping up with me on Twitter, you know that I am moving out of my hometown and going to Austin! This is a really big step for me. I am genuinely scared how this will affect my life. It’s not a negative feeling, but more a feeling of excitement mixed with nerves and uncertainty. For some of you, this may not seem like a big deal, but allow me to elaborate on some key points.
I have never left home. Whether my destination is Austin, Seattle, NC, or somewhere in Cali, my feelings would be the same. I was born and raised in Vegas, and I have never lived anywhere else. Seeing that I am about to enter the years of an inevitable mid-life crisis (half joking), I figured it was time to see what else life had to offer. Yes, moving out of the parents’ home is a form of independence, but I believe taking it a step further is healthy and essential to helping one grow. Does it mean I do not love my family? Course not. Does it mean I will forget my roots? Not at all. What this does mean is that I will be able to continue to grow in ways that my hometown could not provide.
I was born in Vegas, but I never felt like I belonged here. Even as a kid, I felt out of place. A while ago, my dad admitted to me that when he picked me up from kindergarten class, he felt sad because I was always alone. I didn’t play with the other kids; I just kept to myself and stayed in my own corner. I vaguely remember that. I remember being teased because I thought differently than the rest of the class. It’s a silly memory, but I remember the teacher asking use toothpicks and marshmallows to make squares. I wanted to make a circle. And I wanted to be in the center, so the marshmallow circle could act as a barrier between myself and everyone else.
Years later, I eventually came out of my shell, but that really only meant that I could mask my loneliness and blend into a crowd better. It was hard for me to find a group of people that understood my growing interests. The few friends that I do have are always supportive of me, but even fewer of them really understood why I delved into things like conventions, social media, cosplay, community management, and video games. I could share that love with very few people, so I thought moving to a city where that was naturally abundant would be healthier for me.
I tried different circles, and while I found people who I would be friends with for years on end, I didn’t fit into the overall atmosphere. They weren’t bad environments; they just didn’t match me for one reason or another. Eventually, I realized that maybe I should try living in a different city to see if I could actually find a place that felt like home.
I want to be in a place where I could learn more than what I know. That sounds vain, I know, but I want to learn new skills, and have different experiences than what Vegas can provide. This ties in with the previous point of wanting to be around people who are like-minded. I like to create, collaborate, and be taken under the wing of a well rounded mentor. I like knowledge, but I gravitate to very specific knowledge. The casino industry doesn’t hold my interest as much as the video game/production industry. And while it’s true that you should always obtain knowledge and experience wherever you happen to be, I want to have some control over what specifically will affect my life.
I am scared. And that’s not a bad thing. In fact, the more scared I am, the more I want to make the leap into the new chapter. There are certainly a lot of unknowns, and I have no idea how this will work out long term, but I feel that it is certainly worth the risk of letting go of everything I am comfortable with right now. Honestly, I could not say that I lived to the fullest if I just stayed in same place for the entirety of my life.
Whenever I feel frightened to the point of being metaphorically paralyzed, I just think to myself “I don’t know if what I’m doing is the right move, but I know staying is definitely the wrong one.” And I’m good. And I continue on my path in moving forward with my life.
Austin, see you soon. ❤
This game really does test the strength of friendship…
I was always taught that I should be able to take care of myself, that I need to be able to look out for number one because no one else would. In truth, that is not an unfair or unrealistic statement, but I realized that in my years of adulthood, I have a very difficult time asking for assistance when it comes to matters of life and the heart. This mentality somewhat ties into my Paladins write-up about not wanting to be a burden to another person or admitting that you cannot always be the strong one that others look up to.
There is a large portion of my life that is dedicated to connecting with people whether that be through professional or personal connections. I enjoy networking and I find it rewarding when I cross paths with someone who has similar interests as myself. One of the best things about meeting and e-meeting people is that you establish connections all over the world. Even better, you find that many of these people are genuinely good people.
Fun fact: I don’t like bothering people.
Time and time again, I have conversations that goes like this:
Me: Yeah, that part of my life was incredibly rough. I don’t know how I survived that.
Friend: Why didn’t you ask for help???
Me: I didn’t want to bug people with my issues.
Friend: DUDE. Ask for help! Friend help out friends. That’s what we do!
Similar conversations have happened in the past, and I can’t count how many times they’ve occurred. I would say that my reluctance to ask for help is comprised of many feelings and emotions including stubbornness, pride, and fear. The last one is a big one. I have two fears when it comes to asking people for help. One, I’m scared of being rejected and two, I’m scared that some form of payment is expected at a later time even though this help is being offered to me under the guise of friendship/ the goodness of someone’s heart. There have been many times in my life when accepting help from someone has backfired on me later down the road. It’s essentially “well, I did this for during that time you needed me. Now you owe me.” That is a very scary statement if you think about it.
I’ve learned to shed the poisons out of my life, but a small level of paranoia stays in the back of my mind. In present day, I find myself in a pivotal moment in my life. I know what I want to do, and I know what I need to do, but I have to come to terms with the fact that I cannot do it alone. As much as I want to be the epitome of unwavering strength, I have to think about my life in realistic terms. I have to understand that yes, I am strong, but I don’t have to carry the weight of life and the world on my own every waking moment.
I asked for help. And I’m getting it. And while I’m still scared, I don’t feel nearly as alone as I did. I am reminded that I am loved, and that I have good people in my life. These people understand me, and understand the difficulties and the hardships I am experiencing. I had a good talk with a friend and she told me she believed in me. I was nearly brought to tears because I had felt so much weight lifted off of me. I could literally breathe easier. And she’s not the only one who is willing to stop moments of her life for me. That hit me so hard, and realizing that these people care that much about me made me feel like I can take anything on. How is that weak? It isn’t. It was empowering. Knowing when you need that little extra bit of help, and lowering your guard in order to initiate the request is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it’s a sign of strength. It’s, I suppose, a form of baring yourself and allowing vulnerability for a moment or two.
I am in a very odd cross section in my life, and I don’t know if what I wrote made any sense. I’ve been thrown a lot of obstacles in the past year, and I am finding out more and more about myself and how I want to live my life. Hurdles, epiphanies, heartache, disappointment, and doubt have filled my mind in recent days, but I buckled down and told myself I can push through all of it. I just need a little help.
And I’m getting it.
And I am grateful for it. Forever and always.
I’ve been part of the RT community for close to 11 years now
Barbara has been part of that community for longer than that, has now worked for RT for several years, and this is the first show she has ever produced.
The pilot episode for Always Open aired 9/1/16 for FIRST members of RoosterTeeth.com
I phuqing love this show.
And that is not putting down the other shows that RT has produced over the years. I love them as well, and I will do whatever I can to support them. But Always Open speaks to me on many levels. It doesn’t even feel like a show or a podcast. It feels like a genuine conversation that friends are having. Even the camerawork feels more organic. It’s fluid, it keeps your attention, and it catches the more unnoticeable mannerisms you would only normally see if you were part of the actual conversation. I really don’t know how else to explain the technical aspects of Always Open, but there you go. Some of the reasons why this show speaks to me:
1) I like that the feel of the show isn’t “MEN SUCK” or “I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR”. It’s just friends who happen to be women who are talking about whatever the hell they want to talk about. Sure there is some structure as far as answering questions and such, but you don’t feel the stress of needing to address as many questions as possible. The atmosphere is super laid back and fun. Nothing seems forced at all. This show very much reminds me of hanging out with my friends and not having a care in the world.
2) Because the first episode featured an all-female cast, it resonated with me more. That’s just a very natural reaction to have. Ladies, especially women who are good friends, really do talk about this kind of stuff with each other. The stigma that women have to be proper and appropriate all the time goes out the window. These conversations are real conversations. You want to talk about relationships? Bring it. You want to talk about farts? Let’s do it.
3) The diversity. This is so important, especially for today’s audience. Yes, the cast in the first episode is all-female, but my god, the diversity was astounding. You have four women, who are very different from each other in every way. You have a difference of ethnicity, backgrounds, sexual orientation, and walks of life. And they blend beautifully. I cannot praise this aspect of the show enough. IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE ALL OF THIS IN ONE SPOT.
4) Impact on the community and viewers. I think this is a really healthy show in general. There are so many in the community who look up to these lovely ladies, so having their own show is quite empowering. It’s no secret that many see them as role models. Seeing them all in one setting will definitely make a bigger impact and stronger influence for the better. Again, this is not a knock against men or the men of RT, but I think it’s important for young women to see these conversations and understand that they are perfectly normal. It’s okay to joke around with your friends and that it’s possible to find and establish that kind of relationship with another person where you can be yourself and you won’t be judged for it.
Just talking with community members throughout the years at RTX and through the forums, I know there are many people who shrink away from their full potential because they feel they may just not fit “the norm”. I always encourage people to embrace who they are, work to become better people than who they are in present day, and change the world for the better. I want to see people bring their best, and I want to see them grow, and I want them to never forget who they are in the process.
These ladies have done this and continue to do so. I think that’s worth supporting and backing. Cheers, ladies.
Random thoughts and memories... sometimes feels.~
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