It’s a scary thing when you condition yourself to be who you are not

When the lies you tell yourself become a reality and begin to condition your perception, drawing you away from the person you really are. There are different reasons why people do this to themselves. Most times, I’ve found, is that people do it to protect themselves. They tell themselves that if they think a certain way and behave a certain way, they place themselves in the best position to not feel pain or hurt later down the road. Example: someone’s dream come true would be to marry the love of his/her life. Because they’ve been hurt so many times, they convince themselves that marriage is wrong for them and there is no Mr/Ms Right.

I joke around saying that I have the physical appearance of a teenager but the cynicism of a 60 year old. Somewhere along the line, the latter stopped being a joke. I actually did convince myself of certain things and recent events made me realize that I’m not the person I really am supposed to be. I want to be a hopeful person, someone who looks forward to the future (and the people in it), someone who thinks about the unknown and is fearless. I used to be that very much when I was younger but my naïveté taught me very harsh lessons.

During recent years, I became numb to matters of the heart. And I’ve recently become that way even moreso and it didn’t hit me until the last few days. That’s not really who I am though life has conditioned me to be the exact opposite of my natural self. I convinced myself that if I just shut down, then no one could really hurt me. This spans across all aspects of life, not just the romantic side. What I didn’t realize until recently is that yes, I have protected myself from a certain type of hurt but I have also exposed myself to a complete different form of it. I’m not who I want to be, who I naturally am. Essentially, I am hurting myself rather than others hurting me. So now I am taking steps in figuring out how to get back to my natural self while also protecting pieces of me that only should be shared with those who both treasure and deserve them.

And that’s me adulting right now. There’s no way around it. That’s life and that’s growing up and wanting to continue on this crazy path, trying to figure out where the adventure will lead you. Being this old does also have pros. I did have a red velvet cupcake for dinner last night. So there’s that.

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